In this mock-up, I have inserted a new title, photo caption, subheads, copy, and a call to action. The original guide is available here.
This version trims the copy by 20%, and my sentences are significantly shorter, too. (I like brevity, but it’s not my sole priority.) The reading ease metrics effectively stayed the same and, I believe, my version adds key details and pizzazz. (Sorry about the type size! Please use Ctrl-+ to make it grow.)